Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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