We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
