i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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