having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
