the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
