i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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