What a fucking waste of an outfit
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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