he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
