bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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