I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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