Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
