i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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