Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
