listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
