yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
