My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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