The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
