do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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