you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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