Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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