EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
