Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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