dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
