nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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