How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
