I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
