i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
