I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
