Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
