I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
