Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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