u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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