i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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