it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
