I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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