i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
