I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
