i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
