His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
