Pants 0. Shit 1.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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