Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
