u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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