Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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