dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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