I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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