I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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