Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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