I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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