You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
