I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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