i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm at about main and main street
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
