I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
