Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
