I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
