First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize