i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
