you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
