It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
