Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
